This is what happens when the instrument that am supposed to
work with breaks down in lab and i have literally little to do in lab. i sit
and think. i was thinking about my guilt feeling that i sense as i am getting
paid by the government to do science but am not doing it (not entirely my
fault, i did not break the instrument after all). and as i think about work
related guilt, thought expands and i start thinking about guilt in general. how
the society guilt trips us for everything we do. this is to such an extent
sometimes i think if something feels good, I know i must feel guilty for having
that thing. i will talk about one particular guilt that i feel all the time. i
am already feeling guilty for saying this in public, fearing and anticipating
people will think i am "crazy" (sorry for using this word, i just
read an article posted by a friend on Facebook and am trying not to use
disability as a slang). Anyway as am
half of the time this “who gives a shit” kind of super radical person (the
other half am conservative, confused or stereotypically), will go ahead and
write it down.
So this “guilt” that I feel is for finding people (read men)
attractive. As soon as I realize I find someone physically and/or sexually
attractive the tremendous guilt becomes so overwhelming that I consciously start
avoiding that person. There are several internal reasons for this guilt, but
first I will talk about how others fan this guilt. It has happened several times
that am taking a walk with a friend and a guy passes by us and I just say “oh! He
is cute”. Obviously I do not say it shouting, but in a volume that I and may be
my friend can hear it. The immediate response (totally unwanted) that I mostly
get from my friends is “oh my god! But he is a kid”! The indication is as if am
a pedophile and just raped someone. And my immediate reaction would be to feel
extremely guilty about my attraction. But I have decided from now on I will
fight the guilt, for several reasons. One, it is not my “fault” that I like men
younger than me, go and open my brain up and fix the chemical reaction if it is
so offensive. Two, just calling someone cute does not mean I will drag him to
my bed and start having sex, it’s just a comment (although I know it as well
that it is not a crime to feel sexually for someone, as long as I wait for
consent and do not impose myself, stop sex shaming). This happens more often if I make the same
comment for someone who is already “taken” (yes if you did not know we are like
a bag of potatoes that someone can own, UGH!). The first reaction from within
and from surroundings is “how could you even think of liking him! The next
thing you will try is to break them up”. (This whole reaction reminds me of a hilarious
comment one of my older relatives made some time back. We were talking about a
Bengali movie showing how a middle aged married woman falls in love with a
young guy and the whole hypocrisy of the society about that. And this older guy
just looked at me and said, this kind of feeling might happen with French women
but our women (Indian) are pure!! ) First of all grow up and stop being
melodramatic and stop making 1960s Bollywood movies, where the vamp in black
dress, black lipstick and cigar will seduce the hero and the “poor” man will
get distracted and at the end the vamp will pay for her sins and will die and
repent. Going back to the original topic, the guilt,
there are lots of assumptions when this guilt is triggered. First of all and
once again, just liking does not lead to me acting on it and trying to “break”
people up. Second, just because that person is with someone else that does not “de-validate”
my feelings. Its not my fault that I did not meet them when they both were
single. Third and most importantly, the
assumption that these two people in love are completely unable to love more
than one individual is so Victorian, and we all (including me) need to remember
all the time things like bisexuality, polyamory, open relationships exist (yes
they do however alien these might sound). And of course am not saying that I need
to assume the other extreme (that everyone is bi, poly or open). Just be
respectful to the people you find attractive as well as to your attraction and
there are plenty of decent ways of having a conversation expressing interest
and being open to both yes and no. So
what I am recently trying is, being mindful of my attraction, trying to
understand if it is just a physical thing or both physical and intellectual. Once
that is worked out it seems having the conversation is much easier and when the
guilt is taken out from attraction, magically the objectification disappears
(for me that happens, not sure if that is a psychologically validated thing). So
as a caution, I do tell people these days when I find them attractive, please
do not get offended or assume or read between my words. In general am a person
who respects others and expect the same in return, hence the chances are slim
that I would go overboard and do anything outside my own boundary.
Just writing these things down and putting in public makes
me feel more comfortable with my own feelings.
I feel more open to ideas and validated about attraction. Attraction is
a “queer” chemical reaction that takes place faster than social seasoning and
unless we keep questioning our social conditioning we will keep having conflict
between feeling and acting on it.
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