my fragmented thoughts this morning

since last couple of weeks i have been fighting my various "addictions" and "dark feelings" which include my addiction to hooking up and always feeling low and left out. i am not trying this because i have developed any judgment lately, i chose at least the hooking up as part of my life as i somehow wanted to see if monogamy is the answer to happiness. it is an extremely difficult experiment to start with, in a society where couple-hood and monogamy and perfect love is just not advised but worshiped, it is just impossible at times to understand the "observations" that my non-monogamous experiment gave me if those were for real or just a fabrication of "socio-normative"  thoughts ingrained in me. whatever be it for the time being i have realized that as it is impossible to think completely outside the norms, at least for the time being i need to experiment on monogamy and see how it feels. although i am afraid the "positive bias" in this experiment will be equally challenging. 

my life long spiritual and otherwise struggle has been to stop differentiating between the so called good and bad things in the society. i call it spiritual as this same journey takes me to a path were the sense of "self" absolves or in other words the self is reflected in all. once that happens the pain of having and not having theoretically vanishes as there is no difference between me and you. the same way the deep spirituality in me has always told me that there cannot be any bad in this creation. it is just a check and balance, if there is no black there is no white. so essentially calling an emotion or act as negative or dark always bothered me. but once again the socio-normativeness makes me fall in the trap of things which are supposed to be bright and acceptable. 

i was talking to my therapist last morning when she asked me how would my life feel without intellectualizing it. a simple question at the surface but the answer is pretty unconvincing. i just told her i do not know how to just feel without the thought of it being intellectual. is it a handicap that i am born with or it is there in others too? are there people who just feel without the need to make up or break logic?